Navigating Sex With a New Partner

Dating can be scary, and it’s especially terrifying for those of us who can’t or don't have PIV sex. Because PIV sex is the norm in society, sex partners may automatically assume that you’re into it unless you tell them otherwise. But explaining that you can’t have vaginal sex isn’t exactly the greatest first date conversation starter. So how do you let a new sexual partner know that you’re not okay with vaginal sex without scaring them off?

1. Set boundaries
Tell your partner early on how far you want your sexual encounter to go. When things start getting hot and heavy, let them know that you’re okay with what’s happening, but that you don’t intend to have sex with them. You don’t have to go into detail about your situation–just make it clear that you don’t want vaginal sex during this particular hookup. If you’re afraid of ruining the moment, offering a sexy alternative never hurts (think “can I give you head/eat you out instead?”).

2. Make sure you have enthusiastic consent
Enthusiastic consent is the idea that agreeing to something because you’re excited to do it is more important than simply consenting to it. Basically, don’t let your partner convince you to do anything that you’re not 150% into. If you aren’t enthused about something that you’re doing in bed–especially if it’s hurting you in a way you don’t like, or it doesn’t turn you on–stop doing it.

Don't forget to get your partner’s consent, either. If you’re not sure if you have enthusiastic consent, check in with your partner and see if they’re still enjoying what’s going on. A simple “is this okay?” or “does this feel good?” works wonders.

3. Communicate
Tell them what feels good (hint: you don’t have to use words) and what doesn’t. Chances are, what you like is very different from what your partner’s exes and past hookups liked, and your partner should respect that. Don’t be shy about explaining that some things hurt you, either–unless you’re hooking up with a douchebag, he or she definitely wants to know. Good communication also entails really listening to your sex partner: be aware that they also have boundaries that you don't know about yet.

4. Live in the moment
Try not to stress about what would happen if your partner found out that you can't or don't have vaginal sex. Save your worries for later and enjoy the moment!